I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
