If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
