mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
