..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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