he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night