I wanna passion pit in your ass
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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