why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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