He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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