if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Randomize
