so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
