Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
