That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
