Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
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Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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