Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
