This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
