I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
