My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
