There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
