I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
