And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
