You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
