i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
