I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
