im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she peed on how many people?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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