i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
