Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
