she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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