A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
