thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
