The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
