fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
