I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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