Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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