Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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