They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
