It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
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