am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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