first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
They have beer where we have blood.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
