I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
