nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
