You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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