So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
