guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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