3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
