I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
