any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
