I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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