Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
