im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
