my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
