Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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