I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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