I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
