we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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