i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
