I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
